Going through a divorce is one of the most difficult things you will ever face in your life. You well-being and your children’s well-being will depend, in large measure, on your ability to gain some larger perspective, to take a long term view of things and to see the big picture. As intense as the divorce process can be, it will come to an end and life will go on. How you cope through the process, and how you help your children cope through the process, will have long-lasting effects.
In the local counties in which we practice, many of them require parents to go through a class designed to help you help your children as you go through the process. You could view the class as simply a hurdle to be jumped in the divorce process; or you could see it as an opportunity to protect your children from potential negative affects that often come with a divorce.
You will learn in the class that you should keep your children out of the conflict with your spouse. Do not use them as pawns or intermediaries. Do not share your negative feelings and say negative things about your spouse to the children. To the greatest extent possible try to find some common ground and some agreement with your spouse as far as it comes to the children. Doing things will protect them.
These things may be difficult to do, especially if your spouse is guilty of involving the children in the divorce in inappropriate ways. You may need to involve a counselor to help you sort through the difficult emotions and to help your children cope with the divorce, but it will be money and time well spent. Your children will thank when you they get older.
Stability and routine are keys to keeping your children grounded. Maintaining some stability and consistency is a goal to be set to ensure a healthy transition for your children. That stability and consistency includes involving the other parent in their lives.
Statistics clearly show that children with two parents involved in their lives thrive better and are healthier and more likely to succeed than children with only one parent in their lives. There are always exceptions, but the odds are not in favor of the rule.
Although the divorce will be final at some point, you will continue to be parents together for the rest of your lives. Keeping that perspective will help you make good decisions for the benefit of your children today.
Take a moment, in the heat of the emotion and turmoil that a divorce can bring, and consider your children. If they are like most children in most cases, they do not want you to get the divorce; they may not understand; they may be angry – at both of you; they may be sad and even feel guilty that somehow it is their fault. Do not make them choose between you and your spouse. You are the one getting the divorce. It is not your children’s divorce.
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If you want to read more, here are some materials
- Child Custody & Divorce
- divorceandchildren.com
- helpguide.org
- UCLA Center
- childrenanddivorce.com
- Focus on the Family
- WebMD
- American Academy of Child & Adolecent Psychology
If you would like help to protect your children in divorce, contact us at the Drendel & Jansons Law Group. You can email us at [email protected] or all call 630-523-0543. We can help you help your children in a divorce.